Everyone Loves a Streaker

Think about your response last time a naked person ran into the public arena, say at a sports event. Did you smile? Did you laugh? Did you secretly admire their bravado? You were one of thousands. Almost every photo of a streaker features the out-of-focus faces of a crowd, all of them grinning like a kid on Christmas Day.

While you may consider this to be a general response, chances are individual thoughts were racing as fast as the errant runner. If I may present a dramatic scene, with each line played out in silent thought…

Cue: Male streaker runs onto football field, completely naked.

Crowd as a whole: Oooooohhhhh. Wow. (Grins).
Streaker: This is bloody brilliant. (Grins). Think I'll aim for the centre.
Footballer: (Missing ball). Damn. Oooohh, look at that. (Falls over). Damn.
Referee: (Grins). Stop smiling, idiot, so you can blow the whistle.
Security: Shit! (Leaps onto field in pursuit). Didn't wear my running shoes.
Streaker: Think a cartwheel would be good now.
Mate of streaker in crowd: I can't believe he actually did it!
2nd Mate of streaker in crowd: Where the hell am I going to find the $100 to fulfil this bet?
1st Man in crowd: Thank God, it was getting so boring.
2nd Man in crowd: Oh, man, it was just getting exciting!
3rd Man in crowd: Jeez, that fella can run fast. Must be his big feet.
1st Woman in crowd: Hmm, not bad. Maybe it is true what they say about big feet and big…
Husband of 1st woman: What's she looking at?
4th Man in crowd: I'd do that if I had better equipment.
2nd Woman in crowd: I'd do him if I had better equipment.
Advertising man in crowd: That would make such a good ad for Gatorade.
2nd Advertising man in crowd: That would make such a good ad for Powerade.
4th Man in crowd: Actually, I should just do it anyway. No-one really looks that hard, do they?
1st Woman in crowd: Look at how it flops about.
Husband of 1st woman: Hope she's not looking at what I think she's looking at.
Karen in crowd: This would make such a good topic for a book... or a website.
Photo-journalist on sidelines: I'll get an award for this one. Beats those Bosnian battlefields any day.
Old man in crowd: Knew a fellow who did that across a French battlefield in the war. None of this new fangled, namby pamby football matches, oh no. It was stark naked across minefields in my day.
Politician in crowd: Knew a fellow who did that across the floor of Congress once.
Bill Clinton in private box: Thank God the press don't know about that one.
Husband of 1st woman: Hope she's not comparing it with me.
1st Woman in crowd: It's definitely a lot longer than Bill Clinton's.
Catholic priest in crowd: Haven't seen this sort of thing since my seminary days. I'll bet no-one's ever beaten my record of three times around the church before Vespers.
Michael Knight, Minister for the Sydney Olympics in crowd: Wonder if we can fit this into the opening ceremony? Run them three times around the arena…?
Security: Should have taken up jogging. I'll never catch this bastard.
Streaker: Shouldn't have taken up jogging. I've been out here too long.
Security: This bloke's running like his ass is on fire.
Michael Knight: Perhaps it would liven up the torch relay…
Policeman in wings: Where's that blanket we use for this sort of thing?
Streaker: It's a cold day, I'm suffering shrinkage. Hope they've got a blanket handy.
Michael Knight: Hell, we should just have the whole Olympics nude. The Greeks did, didn't they?
Streaker: Cripes, getting puffed. Hope he doesn't tackle me too hard.
Security: Phew. Nearly reached him. I'll have to really jump on this bugger to get him to stop.
Streaker: Ow!
Security: Ow!
Crowd in general: Oh.

Streaker is led from the field. Crowd settles down. Referee finally manages to blow whistle.

4th Man in crowd: Right! Undies are off… here I go!
Crowd as a whole: Ooooooohhhh…


- Originally written in 2000